When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
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