My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
