He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
My feet surprised me
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