I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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