I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
