i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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