I have demons in me.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
