insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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