first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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