First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
