You just made me feel so damn special
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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