Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
