You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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