I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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