What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize