When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
