I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
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