I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
