my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
