Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
