He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
My liver just had a heart attack.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
