Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
