I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
So squirting runs in the family.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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