1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
