four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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