If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
