OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
