if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
