Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
