I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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