??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
My day in three words: secret purse cake
MIDGETS
????
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
