She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
