Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
