Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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