Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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