Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
