ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
