You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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