The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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