Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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