Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
