Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
