my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
