Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Pooping to opera.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
