your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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