Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
