he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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