If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
