So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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