Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
